Dealing with Distance

            Before I even begin, let me just put this disclaimer out there- I don’t have any certified degree that gives me the right to dispense advice for anything. I’m just an average Jane; scrambling to make my attendance quota in college, worrying about passing my exams and obsessing over every new pimple that erupts on my face, take up most of my day, just like 99.99% of you people out there.

But all I know is, I’ve been in a relationship with the same boy since what feels like forever, he’s a cadet in the Merchant Navy, and between the couple of times he’s been away at sea, I’ve accumulated a total of 18 months of being in a long distance relationship. Plus, the world (read- my Facebook newsfeed) is just filled to bursting with people who break off relationships when things start to get serious and people dissing long distance. There seems to be this unanimous opinion in people’s minds that maintaining long distance is a Herculean task which isn’t worth the effort that goes into making it work. Others feel that long distance is synonymous with cheating on your partner. Well, I beg to disagree. I mean, whatever happened to ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’?

Being in a relationship, any kind of relationship, not just long distance, is hard. I mean, why would you choose to go steady with a person until and unless you were 300% sure that person was worth the time, effort and emotional investment? Even if you put in a variable like distance into the equation, your opinion shouldn’t waver. If you ARE indeed 300% sure that the person is worth the time, effort and emotional investment, there’s absolutely no need to think any further. Your feelings shouldn’t be affected by whether your better half is standing 3 inches away from you or 30,000 miles away.

Our (that is, Gen Y’s) greatest advantage is that we live in the digital age. If you think LDR is impossible today, what would people do earlier when they’re sweethearts left town to go to college in a city far away or got a job somewhere at the other end of the world? They had to rely on good ole snail mail to hear from each other. The worry and frustration must have been at least twofold greater. Today, however, all it takes is a matter of seconds to get in touch with someone. There are so many communication platforms. Facebook Messenger, Whatsapp, Telegram, Line, Hike, Skype, WeChat, Yahoo Messenger, GTalk, Hangouts… C’mon! Do I even need to continue? Even the remotest of areas have some traces of cellular network. If you’re very lucky, there’s even 3G sometimes! Any workplace today is hooked up with snazzy super fast WiFi. I know we’re all looked upon as this anti-social generation, hooked on to our mobile screens, unaware of things beyond our Twitter or Facebook newsfeed, but then again, in today’s times, the internet is our guardian angel, the savior of our sanity when it comes to long distance.

The first step to dealing with long distance is, ironically, the same as the first step in shaking off an addiction. You need to accept the reality. Keep reminding yourself that this is real, you are in a long distance relationship, and this will be your foreseeable future for quite a while to come. This way, when you can feel yourself go down that road of insecurity and self-doubt, you can remind yourself that you volunteered to do it, of your own will and you do have what it takes to see yourself through it.

I don’t understand why people believe that long distance murders their social life. Excuse me, but did you sign some sort of agreement that you will morosely stare at your phone 24x7 waiting for some sign from your partner that (s)he is still alive? What happiness can be got from walking around all day in your PJs like a zombie, eyes bloodshot from crying, watching chick flicks all the time and dreaming up perfect happily-ever-afters in your head? NONE. Just a heads-up, the relationship hasn’t ended. So get your act together and stop acting like it has. Long distance is the perfect reason for you to dive back into life with a vengeance.Meet some old friends. Make some new ones. Take up an extracurricular activity. Hone some skills. Get a job. Start a new hobby. The possibilities are infinite. You can keep yourself distracted and you never know just how much that flambé class may enrich your life!

At the same time, don’t get too swept away in this miracle we all call life. Now since my boyfriend is never in the same time zone as me, I don’t have a fixed schedule of when he’s free to communicate, but through trial and error I’ve realized that he’s usually free from late afternoon to late evening, in my time. For people residing in the same time zone, fix up a schedule when you both will be able to sit down and talk at length and catch up with what’s happening in the other’s life. And when you do that, make sure no other task comes in the way. Show your partner that they have your undivided attention. Regular communication is essential. And when some unavoidable circumstances come up and either you or your partner cannot find the time to touch base on some particular day, don’t grudge them for it. I’m pretty sure no one would be so cruel and petty on purpose. When you are in LDR, a fleeting message like ‘Have a good day hon’ or just a kissing emoji means a lot more than it looks like. It means that someone is still thinking of you. Someone cares enough for you to make time out for you while they are swamped in work, bone tired or both.

Be more considerate. Be more allowing. Trust your partner. Otherwise the relationship is ear marked for doom. Girls, don’t be divas and play hard-to-get. Don’t play at all. LDR is not an ideal situation for games. Be liberal when it comes to interpreting messages. For example;

Me- Hi hon! Where are you?

Him- Atlantic Ocean

(The next day)

Me- Hi sweetie! Where have you reached now?

Him- Do you think the Atlantic is our Mula-Mutha kya? To be crossed in one day. I’m still in the Atlantic.

            Now there are two ways of interpreting this message. I could choose to be affronted and pick a fight with my boyfriend for the silliest of reasons. Or I could choose to laugh at the joke he made and then life goes on as normal. In long distance, people are pressed for time anyway. Why would you want to spend the already limited time that you have on arguments? Sometimes, arguments aren’t resolved in a day. The bitter sentiments spill over and ruin the conversation for days to come after that. So, put your ego aside and look at the sunnier side of things. Virtual messaging platforms cannot convey sarcasm very well. So you cannot be insinuating and hinting at things all the time. Be direct and upfront. Share lighthearted things with your partner. Tell him/ her about new movies in town, new songs doing the party circuit, all the gossip about who hooked up with whom. Ask them about their day. Be eager and interested.

Now, I know that the key to a happy relationship is utter honesty, but there is one exception clause in the case of an LDR. Maybe your partner doesn’t need to know that today you cut yourself while shaving. Or that you had an argument with your parents. Or that you’ve had a face-off with your BFF. Or that someone stole your lunch. I mean, not only are these things really REALLY trivial, it’sabsolutely no use bothering your partner with all this info. Can they magically kiss your boo boo and make it alright? Do you think they can spare the time to analyze your life and why no one understands you? Why would you even make them worried for you for such small issues? Serious things like a bad illness or an accident or an especially vivious exam paper may merit some discussion; but then again, try to be strong for your partner. Don’t whine, don’t be a bitch (excuse my French) and don’t dwell on your issues like you normally would.

Don’t expect to be waited on hand-and-foot in the relationship. Learn to compromise. Don’t go leaping to conclusions. Don’t add 2 and 2 to make 22. Take some initiative sometime. Be the person who makes larger-than-life gestures. Surprise your partner with a sudden visit. Ask a friend to deliver a Valentine’s day present on your behalf. Make a video montage or a picture collage for special occasions. Send them care packages. Just because you may be physically distant, it shouldn’t stop you or your other half from feeling the love.

This may seem like a disagreeable point, but avoid discussing the nitty-gritties of your relationship with people in your friends’ circle who haven’t experienced what you have. They may be sympathetic but they wont be able to empathize with you. If they enquire, politely tell them that you’re fine and steer the conversation to a different topic. You can open up to people who are in the same situation, compare notes as to what makes other long distance couples tick and share your doubts and insecurities.

Last, but definitely not the least, when you and your better half have the luxury of physical proximity, make every moment count. Spend time together. Click a ton of pictures. Party like no tomorrow. Take trips together. Focus on making new memories instead of dreading the time they might leave again. And never, EVER, take your relationship or your partner for granted.

~ I