I need to vent.
I’ve had a breakup. It’s not that
big a deal. Except that it kinda is a big deal. The previous two sentences
pretty much sum up how I’ve been feeling for the past two months.
This has been my first major
breakup. And I’m not kidding when I say ‘major’. The last time I was single, it
was three days before my 16th birthday. I’m going to be 22 in
February. How’s that for perspective?
The why doesn’t matter right now.
The repercussions of this event matter. I’ve been in a very fluid state of mind
these days. And that fluid also happens to be very volatile.
My breakup has shifted a lot of
priorities for me. Loving someone means you make them the centre of your
universe. And now that universe feels decidedly off kilter. Decisions made that
seemed best for the relationship then must be re-evaluated now, keeping only my
benefit in mind. I always thought myself to be a one-and-done kind of girl;
utterly convinced that there was just one perfect soul mate for everybody out
there. Now I am not so sure anymore. Sometimes I catch myself thinking what
foolish, childish notions I used to believe in before. I feel like every time I
told someone that true love exists, it was nothing but hollow preaching. I’m
not jaded towards others’ relationships, I just feel like I might have lost a
part of myself that might be irreplaceable. I find myself wanting to hide
behind the veil of sarcasm and humor and not let people see just how much I
feel broken on the inside.
Right now I could give you several
valid reasons why the breakup was necessary. I can tell you rationally why I
couldn’t be with my ex anymore. But then in the very next second, I just feel
so miserable; willing to do anything just to exchange sweet nothings with him
again. It’s like a simultaneous conversation in my head; the sappy emotional
side wants to bawl when our song comes on while the rational side just wants to
keep busy. I get an attack of ‘feels’ very randomly and sometimes without a
trigger. I feel like I shouldn’t burden my friends with these random emotions
that my hormones keep throwing me into; but I keep wishing someone would just
read my mind and tell me how to navigate through this emotional bog.
I’ve seen uncountable relationships
fail. I’ve seen all of my friends go through those stages- denial, grief,
anger, acceptance. I’ve consoled so many people through all the torrents of
emotion. I know that such moods are prone to strike me; yet, even as I sob, one
part of me wonders that if I saw it coming, why am I still bawling? Sometimes,
a part of me knows that it’s unhealthy to just lie around and stuff my face
with Snickers and cry over every single YouTube video that held any
significance in my failed relationship, yet I feel like that rational part is
telling me that’s alright to go on with it. It is just a passing stage.
I wonder if anyone reading this
actually understands the conversation happening inside my head. Sometimes I
don’t understand it myself. I just want to be 100% sappiness-free. I don’t want
to be assaulted with emotions without warning. I know the drill of a breakup by
now, thanks to all my friends’ experiences; I want to bypass all the
unnecessary mental trauma, is all. But then again, it seems like my own brain
is telling me, the trauma is required, if I want to heal.
Boy, you’d think being in the
medical field, I’d have learnt by now how to shut off these feels. I guess not.
(This isn’t the best of my work, I
admit it. I just find it difficult to concisely explain what I am going through
right now)
~I
